As a parent, do you feel like a Superhero? Maybe not, more like an authoritarian, chef, taxi driver, risk assessor, educator, coach etc? Maybe? Well fear not, here is a glimpse into how I shifted my perspective and started seeing myself as so much more than just working or performing in those roles and interestingly life started to open up for me. I see teaching and learning as fundamental aspects of my day, which is so exciting and I have stepped up into my Superhero status!
As a child I remember being amazed at how wise and wonderful my parents were. In my eyes they were literally super heroes. I vividly recall the day I saw my dad for the first time in his ‘Clark Kent’ form. We were in London and my Dad was walking backwards trying to find the perfect position to take a photograph of me and Mum laughing and playing. He lost his balance and in slow motion I saw him trip and fall. I couldn’t believe my five-year-old eyes; how could that happen to the strongest man I knew? At that age, I genuinely thought he was indestructible just like Superman. That memory has remained with me and was a defining moment in my understanding and appreciation of my parents’ humanness, their vulnerability.
As I grew older I remember occasions when my parents did not always have the answers to the challenges I faced or difficulties I was trying to overcome, but they did have the comforting words to help and the hugs to put my world right again. And throughout they had the unwavering belief in me that I could do or be anything. They are human, I have seen them make mistakes, be unsure and challenged.
Yet when I’m asked who my heroes are, I’ll always go straight back to my parents – my unwavering anchor and guides in this world.
Now that I’m a mum I’ve had many conversations with my mother about her first experiences of parenthood as she recalls memories that haven’t surfaced for her in decades. She remembers feeling as though she was fumbling in the dark, completely convinced she had no idea what she was doing, yet she was my everything, my superhero. And we giggle (a lot!) because as it turns out, she still feels the same about parenting, she still feels that she is learning, even now! I find it comical to hear her say ‘Alison, you have taught me so much, you might be my greatest teacher to date.‘ I mean, seriously?! How on earth am I teaching my hero?
Well, now that I am a mum myself, I totally get it! My two boys are showing me the world again through renewed eyes, with their fresh perspective and questions. I am learning how to navigate this world as a mum, responsible for two lives – it’s mind blowing, exciting and overwhelming all at once. My children are teaching me about the world through their experiences. I am in awe of their natural inclinations, their curiosity and presence. I am learning everyday as they push me outside of my comfort zone in challenging ways, and yet we always manage to get through the day.
Now anyone that knows me personally, knows I’m always keen to learn and open to new possibilities and opportunities especially around personal development and growth. However, I don’t think it had actually ever crossed my mind for a moment that I would ever be walking in my parent’s shoes. It hadn’t occurred to me until recently how as a child I looked up to my parents, and therefore it would be natural for my children to do the same. Freeze – I’m suddenly a role model, yikes, and someone’s hero! In fact, two someone’s!!!
I decided there must be a way to learn more about myself through the eyes of my kids in this new role as a parent. To better control and understand my emotions, to be curious and open to opportunities in the face of adversity, to reclaim balance and find my moments of peace. Children are so mindful and present in their actions and being, they have little to un-learn and such openness. So back to basics, I started parenting myself through the new-found teachers I had who were showing me this brave new world.
So how can you shift your perspective, and as a result your behaviours? Because it’s hard, it’s learnt and you’re tired. I understand. I’d love to reach out and give you a hug and say;
‘it’s ok, it’s never too late and you can let go of what’s occurred. This moment is a new one, you’ve never been here before and you can make it whatever you want, just try.’
Think about what you’re learning through your children and how it is evolving your parenting and you.
Try out integrating these six steps into your life to uncover your inner Superhero:
Write up who you are, your wonderful qualities, what you believe, what you stand for. It’s an empowering exercise that gives you purpose and shows you that you are complex, unknown, still being discovered and not just the sum of your emotions.
When will you have learned enough? When will you know everything? Have experienced everything? I’m guessing your answers are never, never and never. So give yourselves permission to make mistakes and enjoy learning from them. As you see your children learn and become resilient in the face of challenges, you can to.
You are a Superhero! List your super powers, give yourself a name. Revel in it, it’s fun, it’s true and you can imagine a costume of choice! When you allow yourself to feel supercharged you smile, you reclaim your power, you become positive, unstoppable. Tell yourself now you are a superhero!
Visualise, breathe and slow down – make this a habit, by practising. When in doubt focus on your breath and think of all the things you are grateful for. Put post-its up around the house to remind you. Set an alarm on your phone as a reminder to practise.
Shift your belief on your mindset. In any given moment, you can choose what to think. Move into a growth mindset where you are open to all opportunities. When your inner critic tells you something negative, learn to identify it. Choose to talk back, turn the phrase around to a possibility.
Make your emotional, spiritual & mental wellbeing a priority and practice every day. By practising what you preach and implementing it for yourself you will naturally influence your little teachers too.
I am a Superhero to my kids, regardless of my vulnerabilities and mistakes, also now known as learning experiences. I have the ability to mend their broken hearts, support them through life’s challenges and make them feel safe and protected through the power of hugs. Little do they know they do exactly the same for me, but maybe one day when they are parents themselves they will.
With warmth,
Alison
P.s – I would love to hear how this resonates with you, what you find works and of course what super powers you have! So get in touch, drop me a message, email or call, I would love to connect.
Alison Callan is a Coach, specialising in Mindfulness & Wellness, Life & Style and Career & Business. Her purpose is to empower YOU to live a life you love and deserve through her Coaching Approach of Clarity through Conscious Creation.
The New Year is fast approaching and pretty soon you will probably find yourself compelled to set some goals to achieve over the next twelve months.
As you consider all the possibilities the new year has to offer you feel hopeful and excited. With a boost of positivity you think. ‘Yes, I can get that new job, lose that weight, go on that holiday, etc’ However, following these lovely thoughts how much time do you dedicate to planning out those goals and determining just HOW you will achieve them? Probably not enough BUT do not fear, I have you covered with my 7 steps to success in creating your goals and (most importantly!) reaching them. So, get yourself a pen and paper and let’s get started.
Step 1 – What do you want?
Describe in a few sentences what your goal looks like. For example, if you want to eat better, you may write something like ‘I want to eat healthy, delicious and nutritious food, by making conscious choices to prioritise my meal times, portion sizes and by reducing my sugar and processed food intake.’ Or you may wish to start exercising daily or meditating. Whatever it might be, expand upon the nature of the result you want, don’t merely state that you would like to lose weight. Instead write how you would like to feel when you lose weight, how much you’d like to lose and how this will make you feel when you achieve your goal. As an example your sentence might be ‘I want to feel lean and slimmer by losing 5kgs through improving my exercise regime and making healthier more conscious food choices, so I feel confident and happy in my clothes.’ Rather than ‘I want to lose 5kg by March.’ The difference being that the first example implies the change is permanent because you would always want to feel happy and confident in your clothes, whereas the second example seems as though you’re determined to make an impermanent change for an occasion in March.
Get specific with what your goal is and why and expand on its importance in your life. This way it has a greater importance in your life and is worthy of you spending your time and making the necessary changes in order to meet this challenge.
Step 2 – What help are you going to need?
List the resources you need to call on for help in order to achieve this goal. Following the healthy eating example you may choose to put reminder notes on the fridge, or cupboard, you may ask someone to give you words of encouragement. You may buy a cookery book, allow more time in your day to make meals and even tell your friends and family so that they can support you.
By checking at this stage what you could do to have support set up prior to starting on the journey of obtaining your goal, you are more prepared and building a level of commitment to achieving your desired outcome. Plus you are really exploring what this goal means to you and how prepared you are to communicate your intentions to others.
In my experience, having a supportive partner, friend or family member who appreciates your dedication to achieving your goal can make a real difference and becomes a beacon during the transition when you might otherwise feel alone.
Step 3 – What is your leverage?
This is the root of your goal, the big question ‘Why do I even want this?’ At this point you may struggle to find an answer as it’s not always an easy or logical answer that arises and it can feel uncomfortable. If you find that is the case, then ask yourself if your goal needs reframing or indeed changing all together.
Following the example of the healthy eating goal, if your leverage here was that in fact you wanted to look like a super model in a magazine article that you read, then firstly you need to determine whether it is realistic leverage, whether it’s a goal that you can and indeed should achieve. If it isn’t but you still want to pursue the healthy eating goal, find a sentence or image that you can hold on to that really embodies what you’re trying to achieve; be it exuding more energy, vitality or actually enjoying meals.
The point of understanding your leverage is so that you have an anchor to keep you on the path of achieving your goal. If you have something more meaningful to hold on to and visualise, like becoming healthier and fitter and able to go running or feel more confident in your skin then that is what will drive you forward. At this point it all sounds so easy to accomplish, but know now that you will wane in your enthusiasm while you are building your new habits. There will be days when you revert, or choose to take the easy root and ignore your plan to achieve your goal. It is at these times that leverage is so important. And in order to prepare, during the tough and low periods, that’s when you go back to your leverage. Leverage is key!
Step 4 – How are you going to specifically integrate this goal into your life?
There are lots of ways you can bring your attention to your goal throughout your day, through visual reminders, routine changes and through your language. It is important now to devise how you’re going to integrate changes into your life to support and drive you towards your achievement. It’s also helpful to experiment with different ways to reinforce your changes. Mix it up. Try out affirmations, routine changes using alarm reminders, vision boards, book into courses, find support groups – don’t hold back, list them all and see what resonates with you the most. Different approaches may work at different times. So, how are you going to change your current habits and lifestyle to incorporate the realistic methods for you to achieve your goal?
You might have noticed by now that I’ve not spent any time on timeframes or deadlines, and I’m not going to either, but I will explain why. From my experience goals are set, worked towards and achieved. If a date is set, it gives a deadline for the pressure to be on for, which works for some people and not others. However I am a firm believer that once a goal is achieved you don’t drop the new habits that you’ve built, you maintain them, sustain them and even adapt them to stretch for your next goal. Once you’ve achieved your goal it becomes your new baseline and you look for the next stretch, so you always progress forwards. There doesn’t need to be a timeframe as such, but more focus given to why you’re doing it so that the habits you cultivate remain and urge you forward.
Step 5 – Create your words and explore your feelings.
I believe that the language we use, our self talk, is highly crucial to our mindset, focus and belief in our ability to achieve our goals. Check out myPositive Self Talk and Languageblog post.
Identify your fixed mindset voice. The inner critic and what it is likely to tell you, to throw you off course and send you on a negative detour. Let me reassure you that we all have this voice, however we need to plan out our responses, psych ourselves up to be able to notice the critic and shrug it off by consciously replacing the negative phrases with positive ones.
You need to create some uplifting sentences and phrases that will support your journey towards your goal and quieten your fixed mindset voice. Personally, I love to use a three sentence mantra, it is my signature go to application ‘I can…. I will….. I am…‘ It’s so simple but powerful and shows that you are on a progressive journey and moving through the stages of achieving it, until you are it!
Now imagining that you have achieved your goal, what emotions do you feel, how does that sense of achievement become embodied for you? Identify your feelings of ultimate success and repeat your positive sentences. This enables the mind, body and word connection so that you are aware of how it feels for you when you achieve, how your mind and body are stimulated and saying the words in this state helps create a link for the brain to associate the phrases with the feeling of success and achievement reinforcing the connection between the two and boosting their effect.
Step 6 – How Committed are you?
I’m hoping that as you’ve gotten this far, the answer to this question will be somewhat telling.
On a scale of one to ten, one being not committed and ten being so excited to get started that you know you simply cannot fail! At this point how committed are you to achieving your goal? Be honest, as this is the point you need to be serious about the likelihood of you really achieving your goal, understanding the leverage and following through. This is the critical point where you can re-visit any part of this process and strip it all back and re-calibrate.
So what is your number and are you happy with where it is?
Step 7 – What do you need to up your level of commitment?
If you have found you are at a seven, eight or nine out of ten. The question here is simple… what do you need to up your number, what do you personally require to get more committed to achieving your goal?
This line of questioning gets you thinking more about the process you’ve just been through in planning out your goals and asks you a final time what might be a missing step to give you that extra nudge and support when you need it. Ponder on this question and see what springs to mind. You might be surprised, or it may reinforce that you are happy with where you’re at and with the goal you’ve set. Either way this reinforces your commitment to your goal and up-levels your plan in securing a successful outcome.
So there you have it, my 7 steps to creating a goal and getting you to stick to it!
Check out the image to the left if you need a reminder of the 7 steps and want to work within a worksheet – enjoy!
Good luck, although with this process I know you don’t need it!
Alison x
P.S – I would love to get your feedback, how did this process work for you, what came up for you? And finally, did you achieve your goal? Get in touch and let me know!
