I had an enlightening conversation the other week with an acquaintance and it opened my eyes to a habit I had formed regarding my words, and the impact it would have been having. Yet I had been completely and totally oblivious to it. Sharing the story here with you now seems quite surreal still, especially given how much weight I believe our words hold, in relation to forming our realities. Yet here I was making a complete blunder!
It was a regular week day and I was following up on a task I had to complete so I made a telephone call. When the call was answered I immediately delved into my regular conversation starter of ‘Hello it’s Alison, how are you?‘ Fairly simple enough, I am sure you’d agree, however the response I received really knocked the wind out of my sails. On the other end of the phone was a kind, soft and calm voice which said ‘Hi Alison. Well, if you’re really asking…’ and then she proceeded to tell me that in fact she wasn’t feeling too great of late as she was going through some health tests.
Now, it wasn’t the information she gave me surrounding her health that caught me off guard, although of course I was duly concerned. It was in fact that she responded so authentically by asking if I was in fact genuinely asking how she was and whether I truly wanted to hear her response before she divulged it. Wow! Never before had I considered that I had set phrases of words that came easily to me when starting conversations. Nor had it occurred to me that in fact I might have come across as not being invested in an honest dialogue. I would like to think that every time I ask someone how they are I am present and ready to genuinely hold that space for them to answer truthfully, whatever the response might be. And yet, in actual fact I had to do a bit more soul searching on this one as I discovered that I hadn’t gotten there yet, you know, to that part that really wasn’t sitting quite right with me. And so I dug a bit deeper. When people asked me how I was, what did I respond? Did I even know? Finally, there it was, my Eureka moment I had hit the jackpot and my thoughts were clear.
I had a set response when people asked how I was, I always answered with ‘I’m good, thanks, yeah not bad…’ It wasn’t an authentic, genuine response I was giving to others. Nor was their question one I ever gave time to consider, I had dismissed it as a polite conversation starter. Yet I know the power of words and their ability to change and influence how we feel (check out my Positive self talk and language blog). I was stuck in a pattern repeat of dismissing the idea of checking in to see how I was, I was also not responding truthfully by being vague and bland, not wanting to be too positive or negative in that moment therefore drawing a fine line of ‘okness‘. I was doing this repeatedly as I didn’t want to stand out or detract from what the other person might have wanted to tell me. This was crucially important, and more than that I was being prompted multiple times a day to check in with myself to see how I was in fact feeling, and to assess and make the necessary adjustments I needed in that moment, just by checking in with myself and answering honestly. My takeaway here was that for as long as I could remember I had been telling myself and anyone that was asking, that I was ‘good and not too bad‘ – yuck! What a way to build myself up and create joyous feelings, I say this with a touch of sarcasm, clearly.
When working with my clients I always encourage conscious thought and awareness and ensure the language that we use is positive, striving for greatness, no mediocre in sight. Yet this simple pattern of language I had formed for myself was in direct conflict with my practices. So let’s Coach myself round and out of this drab response cycle.
‘When someone asks me how I am, what would I want to say to them, to invoke what I want to be feeling?’ This seems like a fair question, I’ve already explored why I keep in line with the ‘okness’. But what I truly want to be feeling is happy and healthy, alert, vibrant and motivated, optimistic and light. Gosh writing this now does invoke these feeling.
‘So how could I change my response cycle to incorporate these words?’ I have to say that it will take conscious effort, as we all know. I will need to practice a new response multiple times in order to form a new habit. Although my awareness of this will now hopefully be enough to trigger a Pause before I answer so that I can actually check in with myself and respond authentically. I will also endeavor to ask myself during the day how I am so that I can practice checking in with myself and making that connection. Ummm what was the question again, ah yes, back to incorporating these words. So I can make sure I tell myself daily that I am happy and healthy, vibrant and alert, motivated and feeling optimistic and light! I could even go so far as to put reminders up on post-its around the house to prompt my awareness. And there are also beautifully inspirational home decor products and canvases that can be created in line with these positive words and phrases to keep you on track, check out a favorite of mine Say it Sista for some uplifting inspiration!
Great so now I have some actionable tasks to incorporate within my day, and I can start today. But how will I keep myself accountable I hear you ask. Well I will encourage you to ask me how I am, and wait for my response, and let’s see how I do shall we?
And finally a coaching challenge, something for you to get your teeth into. I challenge you to a self inquiry, take some time to think about the language you use when responding to the question of how you are. Does it support positive behaviors, feelings and responses, or do you need to revise the words that you use? And following the questions above what can you do to implement a healthier framework for checking in with yourself daily upon seeking to discover how indeed you are? I would love to hear your thoughts on this and your actions as a result.
Thank you for reading, and I leave you with the question ‘how are you?‘
How to introduce myself and tell you a bit about how 3C Coaching came to be? Well bear with me as it could be a bit haphazard as I contend with the excitement of writing my first blog, let alone figuring out where indeed to start!
I guess I could start at the beginning, back in the UK where I was first introduced to coaching. But to be honest it would make for a long drawn out and unnecessary tale to begin my blog. Maybe I will hold that story for another day. So let’s skip straight to the reason, my why for writing this, my business purpose and how I got here today – Motherhood, so here goes……
I have always wanted to step out of my comfort zone and help, genuinely help people find their ‘why’. So I had to start living and breathing mine.
I became a mum and suddenly my whole world shifted, I expected more of myself and I realised I had no time to waste. I mean, I’d blinked and all of a sudden found I had grown up. I was living in NZ, had a great job, partner, home, dog, cat and wonderful friends and I was a grown up responsible for a baby, my baby! There were also a few other telling facts that I was no longer a care free 20-something, like grey hairs, wrinkles and a mortgage, however I was able to overlook those. But motherhood and getting married, well they were my clinchers. My triggers to stop dreaming of someday and make headway on my goals. So motherhood was my awakening of sorts. I love being a wife and mother but in order to retain some of me and who I always wanted to be I was driven to take action. Other than our cat, Grace, I am the only female in our household and it is really important to me to be an inspiration to my boys, not to mention showing them that I am practising what I preach, because I know they will challenge me as soon as they can. So I need my coaching and mindfulness tools now more than ever, to be my best self as my mental and physical resilience are being tested. But motherhood inspired meto get brave and follow my dream – I have always wanted to step out of my comfort zone and help, genuinely help people find their why, what and how. So I had to start living and breathing mine.
So back to the coaching. I had just given birth to our second son and it was time. Our family was complete and I wanted my last year of parental leave to be memorable for something towards my future, my family’s future. I’d always wanted to get my coaching accreditation and being a stay at home mum for a year seemed like the ideal time. And then, I catapulted my thinking forward 2 years, to when both kids were school ready and I’d have a thriving practise doing what I love and able to balance it around my family’s needs. My parallel dream of being a present mum, always doing the transportation runs, taking my boys to their classes and clubs, play dates etc. I figured that setting up the business would only take a few years of no sleep and being a mum to a newborn, when I made the decisions I was already well sleep deprived, so why not? And it has been the best career decision I could have made.
My love of coaching stemmed from everything I knew to be true about the topic, how people had everything they needed to make the right decisions for themselves. Their uniqueness makes our society and it needs embracing. So to be the person to empower others to take the necessary actions and make the changes they need to – that’s everything to me! And to be able to incorporate mindfulness and wellness as an additional tool, in this busy technology driven 24/7 world we now live in, seems to be a necessity for a happier, healthier and more present life. These are the skills I have embraced to enrich my life, and the skills I hope my boys will observe through me.
Fast forward to April 2016 and 3C Coaching was born, out of a long awaited dream, during the midst of a sleep deprived era of a new mum of two with the intention of making someday, one day. Being an inspiration for my boys, being able to help people gain their sense of clarity and get conscious, about themselves and where they are and where they want to be, and then taking those first steps to committing to creating it. Even through challenges and doubts, and I’ve been there. I know I will never stop growing. learning and developing and nor do I want to, life’s about learning and experiencing and I want to do as much of it as possible with my loved ones. So 3C stands for Clarity through Conscious Creation as the process for getting through life, making sure it is one that you control, love and deserve, not something that’s happening to you and around you. And on the flip side to me 3C is a reminder of my why it stands for my three Callan’s, my husband and my two boys. I am beyond lucky.
So 3C Coaching is my vehicle for empowering others, guiding them to help themselves in identifying and achieving their goals. Be it an amazing career or business, an outstanding lifestyle or incredible wellness and a higher state of consciousness or living mindfully with resilience and happiness. Whatever your heart desires can be created. But putting your finger on what your true happiness is, requires some initial soul searching. That’s what I love, helping people get to their eureka moment, and supporting them to believe they can make it happen.
There are a few people that I’d like to thank for helping me realise my dream. My husband and boys for standing by me and letting me find my way. My parents for their encouragement and enthusiasm, my personal cheer squad! My friends Vicky and Kathryn for listening and re-organising my mind through the clutter of creativity and my impatience. Amadee, Lance & Jo for all the business savvy advice. My teacher, peers and fellow students through the Mindfulness Coaching School, it’s been epic! Jess for clearly telling me in the very beginning that starting up this business was a good thing, ‘and it wasn’t like I was planning on murdering anyone!‘ Lee, my IT guy, for being so willing to change everything on a whim! All my fantastic friends for your encouragement and support. And last but not least by any means my wonderful willing clients, the reason I do what I do.
