I had an enlightening conversation the other week with an acquaintance and it opened my eyes to a habit I had formed regarding my words, and the impact it would have been having. Yet I had been completely and totally oblivious to it. Sharing the story here with you now seems quite surreal still, especially given how much weight I believe our words hold, in relation to forming our realities. Yet here I was making a complete blunder!
It was a regular week day and I was following up on a task I had to complete so I made a telephone call. When the call was answered I immediately delved into my regular conversation starter of ‘Hello it’s Alison, how are you?‘ Fairly simple enough, I am sure you’d agree, however the response I received really knocked the wind out of my sails. On the other end of the phone was a kind, soft and calm voice which said ‘Hi Alison. Well, if you’re really asking…’ and then she proceeded to tell me that in fact she wasn’t feeling too great of late as she was going through some health tests.
Now, it wasn’t the information she gave me surrounding her health that caught me off guard, although of course I was duly concerned. It was in fact that she responded so authentically by asking if I was in fact genuinely asking how she was and whether I truly wanted to hear her response before she divulged it. Wow! Never before had I considered that I had set phrases of words that came easily to me when starting conversations. Nor had it occurred to me that in fact I might have come across as not being invested in an honest dialogue. I would like to think that every time I ask someone how they are I am present and ready to genuinely hold that space for them to answer truthfully, whatever the response might be. And yet, in actual fact I had to do a bit more soul searching on this one as I discovered that I hadn’t gotten there yet, you know, to that part that really wasn’t sitting quite right with me. And so I dug a bit deeper. When people asked me how I was, what did I respond? Did I even know? Finally, there it was, my Eureka moment I had hit the jackpot and my thoughts were clear.
I had a set response when people asked how I was, I always answered with ‘I’m good, thanks, yeah not bad…’ It wasn’t an authentic, genuine response I was giving to others. Nor was their question one I ever gave time to consider, I had dismissed it as a polite conversation starter. Yet I know the power of words and their ability to change and influence how we feel (check out my Positive self talk and language blog). I was stuck in a pattern repeat of dismissing the idea of checking in to see how I was, I was also not responding truthfully by being vague and bland, not wanting to be too positive or negative in that moment therefore drawing a fine line of ‘okness‘. I was doing this repeatedly as I didn’t want to stand out or detract from what the other person might have wanted to tell me. This was crucially important, and more than that I was being prompted multiple times a day to check in with myself to see how I was in fact feeling, and to assess and make the necessary adjustments I needed in that moment, just by checking in with myself and answering honestly. My takeaway here was that for as long as I could remember I had been telling myself and anyone that was asking, that I was ‘good and not too bad‘ – yuck! What a way to build myself up and create joyous feelings, I say this with a touch of sarcasm, clearly.
When working with my clients I always encourage conscious thought and awareness and ensure the language that we use is positive, striving for greatness, no mediocre in sight. Yet this simple pattern of language I had formed for myself was in direct conflict with my practices. So let’s Coach myself round and out of this drab response cycle.
‘When someone asks me how I am, what would I want to say to them, to invoke what I want to be feeling?’ This seems like a fair question, I’ve already explored why I keep in line with the ‘okness’. But what I truly want to be feeling is happy and healthy, alert, vibrant and motivated, optimistic and light. Gosh writing this now does invoke these feeling.
‘So how could I change my response cycle to incorporate these words?’ I have to say that it will take conscious effort, as we all know. I will need to practice a new response multiple times in order to form a new habit. Although my awareness of this will now hopefully be enough to trigger a Pause before I answer so that I can actually check in with myself and respond authentically. I will also endeavor to ask myself during the day how I am so that I can practice checking in with myself and making that connection. Ummm what was the question again, ah yes, back to incorporating these words. So I can make sure I tell myself daily that I am happy and healthy, vibrant and alert, motivated and feeling optimistic and light! I could even go so far as to put reminders up on post-its around the house to prompt my awareness. And there are also beautifully inspirational home decor products and canvases that can be created in line with these positive words and phrases to keep you on track, check out a favorite of mine Say it Sista for some uplifting inspiration!
Great so now I have some actionable tasks to incorporate within my day, and I can start today. But how will I keep myself accountable I hear you ask. Well I will encourage you to ask me how I am, and wait for my response, and let’s see how I do shall we?
And finally a coaching challenge, something for you to get your teeth into. I challenge you to a self inquiry, take some time to think about the language you use when responding to the question of how you are. Does it support positive behaviors, feelings and responses, or do you need to revise the words that you use? And following the questions above what can you do to implement a healthier framework for checking in with yourself daily upon seeking to discover how indeed you are? I would love to hear your thoughts on this and your actions as a result.
Thank you for reading, and I leave you with the question ‘how are you?‘